Written by It’s no surprise to Veterans that around Holidays, some days are more difficult than others. We get it. Civilians, we know you have PTSD too. While this is from a Veterans perspective, we hope it translates properly for you as well.
First, understand and agree, that you are not alone.
Let’s take a look at the stages of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) to help raise your own awareness on your journey to recovery. As a reminder, we are not professional therapists. We are Veterans and civilians that have been successful in our own recovery efforts and we want to share the things that we have learned a long the way.
If you think you need professional help – get help by calling the Veterans Crisis Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 and press 1 when they answer.
The stages of PTSD are still being discovered, but at the core, this is what we think happens.
Impact Stage
This phase occurs immediately after the initial traumatic event. This is the stage that most Veterans don’t even recognize. If you have been out of the service for a while and try to think back to the exact moment when the initial shock of combat (and other scenarios) took place, it would be nearly impossible to pin down the “exact moment”.
While in a combat zone, we are often anxious, hyper-vigilant (“keep your head on a swivel”), and we may even be struggling with guilt. Back then, we just thought that all of this was “normal”.
However, fast forward to today and when we watch war movies, we can clearly see these exact “moments” depicted on the large screen.
The bottom line whether you can remember or not, there was an initial “impact stage”, followed by more and repeated traumatic events.
Denial Stage
Not everyone experiences denial in terms of PTSD, for some, it’s clear as day. Especially since it’s becoming more and more okay to admit it. A lot of us did and still deny even the remote possibility of having PTSD.
For some with PTSD, they can even identify the impact stage immediately. Guess what? Their reaction was actually the healthy one. Their reaction was what we could call “normal”.
For example, “I got bit by a dog one time and now I’m afraid of dogs.” Veterans, I know what you’re thinking. I’m sure that there is a whole lot more to that dog story that will never be revealed. We agree that there are generally no bad dogs, just bad dog parents. Hence, this person should really be afraid of bad dog parents. But, we’re not here to discuss that.
The point of this example, is that they identified (1) the impact stage and (2) they do not deny it.
It is those of us who continued to experience strong feelings and memories (of traumatic events) followed by either consciously or unconsciously making every attempt to avoid those strong feelings and memories that we are referring to. Along with those that deny the difficult emotions that come with them, followed by denying anything traumatic ever happened in the first place.
We did so for the Team, our Brothers and Sisters in Arms, our Families, our Country.
Later, some of us began to drink more, self medicate, isolate, and use other coping mechanisms in an attempt to numb an unknown sense of vulnerability, rage and more. That “unknown sense” was actually your mental and emotional system begging for help and resolution.
Short-term Recovery Attempt
During this phase is when we begin to realize that something is broke. We reach out for immediate solutions like that of a simple problem that needs to be fixed. We think of it similar to a car with a dead battery. Hmm, the car won’t start because the battery is dead, so the immediate solution is to jump it.
Except, we painfully begin to learn that it’s just not that simple. The Veteran with PTSD will attempt to make adjustments to everyday life while attempting to find a sense of normalcy. The lucky ones begin to acknowledge that they need PTSD help, and they accept the help willingly.
Others become disillusioned, cynical, and revert back to their own “training” of denial. The training of denial (stage 2 above) in this case. At this stage, the sleepless nights continue, the nightmares and bad thoughts continue. Ultimately, everyday life seems to be more difficult.
Long-term Adapt and Overcome Stage
Back to our training right? Adapt and overcome at its finest! Deny and move on! Well, in this case, that is all bullshit. You have simply developed ways to numb the mental and emotional after effects of trauma. Think of these things like “emotional bills”. Just like regular bills (car, house, utilities, etc), they will not go away until they are paid. Matter of fact, things get worse after not paying a bill for so long.
An “emotional bill” requires that the emotions be recognized and processed in order to pay them off.
Life goes on and you still have anxiety and more than likely the nightmares continue. In addition, as a Veteran in the civilian world, it’s hard to accept that the “Team” has changed.
You now have family and friends that need you in real life. We are no longer in a combat environment and there are no foxhole buddies to be strong for anymore. Acknowledging this fact is a true first step.
With support and help, your PTSD symptoms can be reduced and eventually become more manageable and potentially even overcame. The tools that you need for this are not in a tool box, nor is this situation a quick fix like that of a dead car battery.
With constant support from family, friends, other Veterans, and potentially professionals, you can expect to return to a calmer and much fuller life in time.
Just think of PTSD like this – it is your mental and emotional health. Not because you are crazy, nor because something is wrong with you, but because both are difficult for us, the Veteran (yes, civilians do a better job at it) to discuss. In addition, there is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.
Seeking help for PTSD may be difficult, but it is mission critical to improving your quality of life.
When we hear “just get over it” it makes our blood boil.
Don’t people know that nobody in their right mind would ever CHOOSE this mental state? Don’t people realize how truly horrible PTSD is to those who suffer from it? Not to mention the loved ones who are helplessly watching PTSD ravage the person they once knew? The person they once knew as happy go lucky, fun, ambitious and more.
Some people seem to be devoid of empathy and think that saying “just get over it” is ok; it is not.
Perhaps it is a defense mechanism meant to insulate themselves from even contemplating the thought of living through such a debilitating experience. Either way, it’s a callous reaction to real suffering.
First of all, to whomever is so callous and disconnected to say “just get over it” and truly feel that way; you have clearly failed in the basics of humanity.
The national outreach and stories like this is not about helping you, the “just get over it” crowd, rather its about correcting the mess that you are making.
In the event that people only concerned with themselves, one of you narcissists*, is reading this, when you say “get over it” it insinuates that PTSD is a choice, and not a healthy and natural response to trauma.
Veterans in turn interpret your contrived cynicism and take it to mean that we are unable to control our feelings and that we are weak. This alone stirs up nuclear level rage which further exacerbates the PTSD with a dose of self hate.
At a minimum, it is both rude and insulting. For Veterans with PTSD it tells us that our emotions are not worth having and that we as a whole are void of validity.
It’s dismissive and our pain is merely just your inconvenience.
*Narcissist is defined as a person who has an excessive interest in or admiration of themselves. “Narcissists who think the world revolves around them”. *Selfish is defined as: (of a person, action, or motive) lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one’s own personal profit or pleasure.
To our Military / Veteran Brothers and Sisters, this part is for you.
In the wake of the most recent programs to help Veterans and Veteran Suicide, and the painstaking public awareness strategies that have been deployed to reach as many people as possible.
The whole idea is to positively increase awareness of the issue and to help people understand that we are all part of the solution.
While it’s true that the worst of the worst of humanity have decided to negatively demonstrate that their selfishness has no boundaries and no limits. These people have taken disrespect to a level that is frankly quite shocking.
When you hear or see “just get over it”, it really does feel like you’ve been sucker punched in the throat. You are not alone in how you feel. This is why we decided to address the issue, to acknowledge you, as well as affirm your experience.
When you hear “just get over it” it should be clear to you that the person you’re talking to (or the author that penned the comment) doesn’t or can’t understand the full scale of what you’re coping with.
What makes it worse is that you cracked opened your heart a bit, and now, you wish you never did that in the first place.
We acknowledge that your struggle is real.
We also salute you for trying to open up about it (which is required to pay the emotional bills) for even just a brief moment. Opening up really is one of the keys to success with processing emotions and healing.
As Veterans, we are some of the most NON-selfish (altruistic) people on the planet. One reason that we sacrificed our lives, bodies, minds and more is to help those who cannot help themselves.
So yes, it’s a major blow when we come face to face with the ultimate “opposite”.
It’s hard to believe that people can be THAT opposite.
There is another side of why some people do not help
There can be times when the act of someone shrugging off your PTSD isn’t meant out of cruelty. It’s simply a coping mechanism or a misunderstanding by the other person. We know that it still affects us deeply.
When you are triggered by this experience, reach out to those that have already made themselves known to you. Those that are there to emphasize with you and support you. They get it, they wont minimize your experience.
If no such person exists, reach out to a fellow Veteran. They’ll understand and will possibly point you in the right direction.
With actual friends and loved ones, the reasons for not helping may be different than you ever imagined.
It’s quite possible that your friends and loved ones are actually looking out for you.
They may be skipping certain parts of a conversation because they honestly don’t want to trigger anything in your past history. Since they are a good friend or family member, they know that sometimes in conversation, they feel it when it gets pretty deep for us (the Veteran). So they may be so kind as to try and avoid triggering something for us.
They may be honestly considering that we have been through some serious shit. They are considering the fact that they can not imagine nor even possibly understand. They may even be factoring for the things that we are not even allowed to talk about.
Some may even acknowledge that there is a personal cost for us that comes later (after sharing the story). Some may even consider the after effects on your immediate family and don’t want to create more repair work for the spouses or those we trust.
In other words, it’s because they care about us.
Mind blown right? If you owe some friends and family members apologies, it’s never too late to reach out. Remind them that you are still learning and may have misunderstood some things. Stay on the path to PTSD recovery, it’s important to the entire Veteran community that you do. You are not alone in the struggle,and, you are not crazy.
You are in fact important to us all.
Final Thoughts
Don’t go into battle with narcissists and selfish people, there is no point. A person this selfish will never evolve to say “what’s the best way that I could support you?” It is simply not in their DNA; there is nothing in it for them.
The truth is that we may never get over it, however, we can learn to be at peace with it. We can process the emotional red flags that are telling us to address the emotions of the trauma.
Even though you may be upset, it counts as an “Emotion”; emotions are messages that keep our minds and bodies healthy. If you are upset and triggered right now, take the win, but also process it properly. Don’t numb it, don’t hide from it, process it.
Did you know, that emotions supply our brains with the truthful information that we need in order to make sense of our lives. Pretty cool, right? Emotions also keep our bodies healthy because we actually feel them which thereby indicates our state of being.
Emotions are a sign post on the road of life. PTSD basically says “Stop”, deal with this emotion for your own health.
When we can not access our emotions, or when we deny them, our bodies become tense. Tension means stress, and stress leads to all kinds of things, especially for us. In summary, emotions are good and they need to be processed.
We know all to well that our Military experience required us to understand that our emotions were a liability. We were even rewarded for burying them.
We were taught that things like fear, anger and pain are unwelcome and are not to be “addressed” any other way other than ignoring them. We needed this at the time. Heck, we even appreciated this at the time. In some regard, these things are what made us successful in combat.
But in civilian life, this skill is now a liability. It disconnects us from our humanity. And when we return, it means that we have a lot of emotions that have not been “processed”.
As Veterans in civilian life, where emotions and feelings run rampant (“I got bit by a dog one time and now I’m afraid of dogs.”), we are still sort of stuck trying to make sense out of our own emotions and feelings (or lack of).
Be productive, be positive, stride towards health and wellness. One day your story will inspire real emotions in someone else and when that day comes you will receive real empathy.
We need to feel to be able to grow.
Allow yourself to feel with those that are like you – we are everywhere.
Thank you to our contributing author, D. Niketic.